I want to get naked with Jake Gyllenhaal SO BAD. We don’t even have to have sex. I just want to stare at his hairy abs for a few days. Not only is he one of the hottest men alive, he’s also REALLY famous AND he’s friends with Anne Hathaway. There’s no losing here. Even if he sucks in bed I’ll still be able to get to meet Annie. We’ll become BFF’s, invite Rachel Zoe over for tea and just laugh all day long. It would be BANANAS!
Vinnie From The Jersey Shore
I don’t think Vinnie from the Jersey Shore is THAT attractive. (Although if you put him between so many ugly gorilla juice heads, he kind of turns into this amazing don juan.) I just want to do him because according to Snooki he has a GI-GAN-TIC dong and I want to face the facts. (Quite literally.) Although I do wonder how something so big (allegedly) got into something so small (Snooki). I need to find out so we can put this myth to rest, y’all ! This is a case of public importance !
If I ever would bang a chick, it would SO be Alanis. Not that she’s the most attractive woman on earth (I’m not going to make horse-face-jokes, I love this bitch.), but she would TOTALLY write a song about it afterwards. I don’t even care if it’s a ‘Fuck You, Mr. Duplicity !’ or a ‘You make everything better for me’ - song. ACTUALLY, a hate - song would be the best. Look what it has done for Dave Coulier’s career ! Any publicity is good publicity! Come on, Alanis, I’m ready to ride that horse! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist. - And since it would be straight sex, she would have to ride me, right ?!)
Dawson’s Dad From Dawson’s Creek
Older men can be attractive (Uhm hello, George Clooney.), but there’s something about Dawson’s dad that gets me all hot and bothered. Maybe it’s the way he nailed Dawson’s mom on the dishwasher ?! Or it might just be because of the rumors that he actually fucked Dawson offscreen ?! Anyway, I just need those muscles all over me. So Mitch, if you ever want to come out of obscurity again, give me a ring. I’ll sell my ‘I had sex with a forgotten closeted actor’ - story to as many tabloids as I possibly can. You’ll be SO famous once more. I would be doing YOU a favor, really. BE GRATEFUL.
Tom Cruise or John Travolta
Ok ok ok, I don’t actually WANT to fuck them. (Are you CA-RAZY ?!) But I TOTALLY would. I would have to close the blinds, put on a really good porn movie and squint with my eyes but it would be all worth it. The only reason I would subject myself to this scarred - for - life - experience is because of the money I would get when I sold my story to the press. (Or the money they would give me to keep quiet.) Then I’d be able to buy a house in Malibu, get my own reality show and live la vida loca. SO FUCKING WORTH IT.